A golfer’s ball landed on the green about two feet from the hole when a huge, mushroom-shaped cloud appeared in the background. Go ahead and putt, said the other. Itll be a few minutes before the shock wave reaches us.
Two guys were playing golf when one sliced his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabbed an 8-iron and went down the embankment, and after searching a while found something shiny. As he got closer, he realized the shiny object was an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. The golfer called to his friend, Hey, come here, I got big trouble down here. The friend came running and yelled, Whats the matter? The golfer in the ravine shouted back, Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you cant get out of here with an 8-iron.
A little boy had been pawing over a stationers stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, Just what is it youre looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad? The boy shook his head and answered, Got any like a blank report card?
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, Press bell for night watchman. She did so, and after several minutes heard the watchman clomp down the stairs, saw him unlock one gate and then another, shut down the alarm system, and make his way through the revolving door. Well, what do you want? he asked. The blonde answered, I just wanted to know why you cant ring it for yourself.
An amateur golfer was always cheating, never playing a straight game, until finally the pro walked up to him and said, Were going to play a round and Im going to show you how to play this game. There will be absolutely no cheating. The man looked disappointed but agreed. On the first tee, the pro decided to let the man go first so that he could keep an eye on him. The amateur sliced the ball, sending it through a couple of trees and bouncing it several times, when it finally came to a stop on the cart path. He reached down to move it off the path. The pro saw this and said, Hey, wait a minute. Youve got to play that ball where it stopped. Havent you ever heard the phrase play it where it lays? But I cant hit the ball on the cart path. Well, you have to, said the pro, its in the rule book. The amateur thought for a minute, grabbed a club, and started his back swing. He scraped the club head across the pavement, sent sparks everywhere, and hit a beautiful shot that landed on the green two feet from the hole. The pro said, Wow! That was a beautiful shot. What did you use? The amateur replied, Your four iron.
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. So, he said, I have been presented by both of you with a bribe. Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. You, Attorney Smith, gave me $15,000. And you, Attorney Jones, gave me $10,000. The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Smith. Now then, Im returning $5,000, and were going to decide this case solely on its merits.
A Microsoft engineer quit and joined the Marines. At the rifle range he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target, but missed it completely each time. The engineer looked at his rifle, and then at the target, put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, Its leaving here just fine: the trouble must be at your end!
Two men went hunting and met a bear. One immediately stripped off his hunting boots and began to put on a pair of running shoes, whereupon the other laughed and said, Ha, you think you can outrun that bear? I don’t need to, responded the first one. I just need to outrun you.
A dog went into a pub and asked for a beer. The bartender said, We dont serve dogs in here, and refused to give the beast a beer. The dog insisted, at which point the bartender took out a pistol and shot the dog in the foot. A week later, the dog returned, dressed in a cowboy hat, chaps, and other Western gear. He said to the bartender, Im looking for the guy who shot my paw.
The famous movie director Cecil B. DeMille was directing one of his cast-of-thousands extravaganzas, and the time came to shoot the big action scene. He set up three camera stations, just to make sure that the effort went on film. Finally, at seven a.m. on the big day, he yelled, Roll em!, and the action began. For ten hours, chariots raced, horses ran, soldiers fought, swords clashed, and thousands of extras did their thing. Finally, exhausted, he went to the first camera station to find the cameraman pounding his fists on the ground. I cant understand it, he cried. The lens cap got left on the whole time and we got nothing. A little shaken, C.B. went to the second camera station to find the cameraman pounding his fists on the ground. I can’t understand it, he cried. There was no film in the camera the whole time and we got nothing. Upset now, C.B. thought at least he had the third man for backup, and went to his position. The cameraman greeted him jovially and called out, Anytime youre ready, C.B.!
A teenager got a job in a supermarket, and one day a man came in and wanted to buy half a grapefruit. I don’t think we can sell half a grapefruit, said the kid, but Ill ask my boss. He walked over to the boss and said, Some idiot wants to buy half a grapefruit, then noticed that the man had followed him over and heard the comment. And this fine gentleman, he added, would like to buy the other half.
A woman was washing outside windows on the third floor of her apartment and lost her grip, falling into a garbage can below. Two recent immigrants walked by later, and one said to the other, Americans are very wasteful. That woman is good for many years yet.
An airplane flying over the Atlantic lost one of its four engines, and the pilot came on to reassure the passengers. Nothing to fear, he said, well just be half an hour late arriving in New York. A while later, another engine was lost. Nothing to fear, said the pilot again, well be an hour late now but were still safe. Later, a third engine went out, and the pilot informed the passengers that arrival time would now be two hours late. One of the passengers turned to his seatmate and said, If that last engine goes, well be up here forever!
During the second world war, a man left a defense plant every night with a wheelbarrow full of sand. The security guard went through the sand each time, looking for contraband, but found nothing. Then, many years after the war was over, the guard and the worker happened to meet in a bar, and, after a few drinks, the guard asked, What were you stealing, anyway? Wheelbarrows!
A man went into a pub and saw a dog sitting at a table playing poker with three men. Can that dog really read cards? he asked one of the men. Yes, but hes not much of a player, was the reply. Whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail.
A man went to visit his son in college, but got held up in traffic and didnt reach the campus until two oclock in the morning. He located the sons fraternity house, which was all dark, and knocked on the door. Whos there? asked a voice from inside. Does Joe Jones live here? asked the man. Yeah, came the voice, just bring him in!
An old man went to a funeral at a funeral parlor and after the service, lingered behind and fell into conversation with the undertaker. After a bit, the undertaker asked how old he was. Ninety-seven, was the reply. Hardly worth it for you to go home, is it? asked the undertaker.
Two golfers were on the links, and one of them kept missing the ball, slicing, hooking, doing something wrong every time. The other yelled at him to Keep your head down, keep your head down. Each time the first golfer lost a stroke the other would say, Keep your head down. Finally the man got so disgusted that he announced he would jump into the water hazard and drown. Youll never drown, said the other. You can’t keep your head down!
A man telephoned a friend and reached the friends six-year-old daughter. Is your daddy home? he asked. Yes, the little girl said, in a whisper. Can I talk to him? No. Can I talk to your mommy? No. Why not? Theyre busy. How about your two older brothers? Theyre busy. You mean to tell me that four people besides you are in the house and theyre all busy? What are they doing? Looking for me!
A teenage boy had a speech impediment and couldnt pronounce the letter R, so his mother took him to a speech therapist. The therapist gave him a sentence to practice on, Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare. A week later the kid went back and the therapist asked him to repeat the sentence, to which the boy replied, Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because he didnt cook the bunny enough.
A man in his mid-fifties went walking along a road and heard a small voice call out, Can you help me? It turned out to be a talking frog, who explained, Ive been put under a spell but am really a beautiful woman. If you kiss me, Ill return to my real self and will please you in every way. The man picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and continued walking. Hey, said the frog, arent you going to kiss me? At my age, said the man, a talking frog is more interesting.
Hollywood kid to classmate: “My father can beat up your father.” Classmate: “Are you kidding? My father is your father.”
A kindergarten teacher asked a pupil to draw a picture of a horse and cart, after which the kid handed in a drawing of a horse. What about the cart? asked the teacher. Oh, answered the child, the horse will draw the cart.
Four college students werent prepared for an exam, and decided to skip it and ask for a make-up exam, explaining to the professor that their car had a flat tire on the way to class that day. The professor agreed to a make-up, at which time he seated the four students in separate corners of the room and wrote one exam question on the chalkboard. The question was, Which tire?
A divorced woman with a ten-year-old son married a man who didnt seem to like children too much. She had to be away for a week on a business trip, which meant that the boy would be alone with the man, and she was worried about a conflict. On her return, she asked the boy, How did you get along with your new step-father? Great! said the kid. It was wonderful! Every day he took me swimming, out to the middle of the lake and I swam back. Isnt that a long way to swim for a boy your age? Oh no, said the boy. The only hard part was getting out of the bag!
A businessman who passed a mental hospital on his way to work used to stop every once in a while to watch one of the inmates going through the motions of winding up and pitching an imaginary ball. A friend asked the businessman what he found so interesting about the mans performance. Well, came the answer, if things keep going the way they are, Ill be there some day catching for that guy, and I want to get on to his curves.
Did you hear about the knight whose horse, the last one in the kingdom, lay down and died of exhaustion so he couldnt get an important message to the king? The only thing the serfs could offer him was an old swayback dog, to which the knight responded, I wouldnt put a knight out on a dog like this!
Quote from Abe Lincoln: [Being president] is about as easy as shoveling fleas.
A man finished a meal in a restaurant and said to the waiter, I want to compliment you on your clean kitchen, to which the waiter responded, But you never saw the kitchen; how do you know its clean? It has to be, replied the man, everything tastes like soap.
A horse went into a bar and the bartender asked, Hey buddy, why the long face?
Two men were talking about the stock market and one said, My grandfather was wiped out in the 1929 crash. Lost everything. Really? said the other one. Yep, replied the first, some guy jumped out of a building and landed on his pushcart.
A man planning to marry for the second time confessed to his new fiancée that he was a golfaholic, thought about nothing but golf, lived golf constantly. The woman, also in a repentative mood, confessed that she used to be a hooker but had stopped doing it. Well, said the man, that just proves that anyone can learn to become a better golfer!
A man came home to find his wife with bags packed and on her way to the airport, saying she was going to Las Vegas. I just found out I can earn four hundred dollars a time for what I give you free, she said. Wait, Im coming with you, said the man. I want to see how you can live on eight hundred dollars a year!
Why did you marry your husband? asked the neighborhood gossip. You dont seem to have too much in common. It was the old story of opposites attracting each other, the woman explained. I was pregnant and he wasnt.
Graffiti seen outside a magic shop: All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A mans greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife Mother of Six, despite her continual objections. One night at a cocktail party, the man decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, Shall we go home, Mother of Six? His irritated wife hollered back, Any time youre ready, Father of Four.
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, the man led the way into the den. Whats that big brass gong for? one of his guests asked. That’s the talking clock, the man replied. How does it work? Watch, the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly someone on the other side of the den wall screamed, Knock it off, jerk! Its two a.m.!
Flight 1234, the control tower advised, turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement. Roger, the pilot responded, but were at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here? Sir, the radar man replied, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?
A man went to a dentist to have his upper plate repaired. The dentist commented that the plate was all corroded and rotted, and asked what the man had been eating. My wife is crazy about hollandaise sauce, he replied. We have it all the time. That could do it, said the dentist. Hollandaise is acidic and corrosive, but Ill make the new plate out of chrome. Chrome? asked the patient in disbelief. Sure, replied the dentist, everyone knows there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Years after giving up on motherhood, a 65-year-old woman had a baby with the help of a fertility specialist. All the relatives came to visit, but when they asked to see the baby, the mother held them off. Finally, after about an hour of this, the mother allowed that they could see the baby when it cried. Why do we have to wait until she cries? asked one. Because, answered the mother, I forgot where I put her.
A salesman had to leave the country on business and gave the job of keeping an eye on his wife to his best friend, leaving instructions to notify him immediately should anything out of the ordinary occur. After a week of no news, the businessman got an e-mail saying, You said to notify you of any changes. The man who comes to visit your wife every night didnt show up yesterday.
A sports writer went up to a trainer and asked, You planning to race your horse today? The trainer replied, You bet I am, and I think I can beat him.
An old man was on his death bed, breathing his last, when he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen. He loved chocolate chip cookies, and before he died he wanted one, so he painfully crawled out of bed and into the kitchen with all his remaining strength. He was about to grab a cookie when his wife slapped him with a spatula. What’s that about? he asked feebly, and his wife replied, Those are for the funeral!
An old guy was driving down the highway when his car phone rang. It was his wife, who said, They just reported a car driving the wrong way on the Interstate, she said. Please be careful. Heck, replied the man, its not one car: theres hundreds of them!
Mohandas Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He alse ate very little, which him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
A duck went into a drugstore to buy some lip gloss. Will that be cash or charge? asked the pharmacist. Neither, replied the duck, just put it on my bill.
A professor went into a drugstore and asked for some acetylsalicylic acid. Do you mean aspirin? asked the pharmacist. Thats right, replied the professor. I can never remember that word.
Two guys were out chopping wood when one of them cut his arm off. The other packed the arm in a plastic bag and rushed his friend to the doctor, who said, Youre lucky. A new procedure has just been developed and we can reattach the arm in four hours. Come back then. The guy came back to find his friend throwing darts with the reattached arm. A few months later, the guys were out chopping wood again when one of them cut his leg off. The other packed the leg in a plastic bag and rushed his friend to the doctor, who said, You’re lucky. A new procedure has just been developed and we can reattach the arm in six hours. Come back then. The guy came back to find his friend kicking soccer balls with the reattached leg. Still later, the guys were out chopping wood again when one of them cut his head off. The other packed the head in a plastic bag and rushed his friend to the doctor, who said, Youre lucky. A new procedure has just been developed and we can reattach the head in twelve hours. Come back then. The guy came back, but the doctor said, Im sorry, but your friend is dead. He suffocated in the plastic bag!
Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, Hmm, this person looks familiar. The second blonde said, Here, let me see! looked in the mirror and said, You dummy, its me!
A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead. The blonde opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she did so was overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head. The boyfriend; yelled, No, honey, dont do it. The blonde replied, Shut up, youre next!
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them. A friend said, OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin? The blonde replied, Oh, that’s easy: W.
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? Is it mine?
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. My God! the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK, maam? Yes, officer, Im just fine, the blonde chirped. Well, how in the world did this happen? the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. Officer, it was the strangest thing! the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was .... Uh, maam, the officer said, cutting her off, There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!
During the Nazi invasion of Czechoslovakia, a dwarf was caught in a village square with no place to hide. He ran into a shop and asked the shopkeeper, Can you cache a small Czech?
Two people were discussing the Final Exit, when one of them said, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
QUESTION: What’s the difference between doctors and God?
The answer is Chicken Teriyaki. Whats the question? Name the only pilot to survive the kamikaze missions.
QUESTION: What’s the best thing to throw to a drowning man?
A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window. The pilots sign said, Where am I? in large letters. The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building. Their sign read, You are in a helicopter. The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to the airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the You are in a helicopter sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!
A man went into a bar during the middle of an afternoon to find the place totally deserted, not a soul in sight except the bartender. Shortly, he heard a small voice saying, Hey, thats really a nice haircut. You must have a good stylist. After a few more minutes, the voice said, Boy, thats a good-looking shirt. You must have paid a lot for it. A half-hour went by, and the voice said, You know, youre really a handsome man. You should do modeling. At this point the man said to the bartender, Whats going on here? The bartender replied, Those are the peanuts. Theyre complimentary.
Two guys were drinking in the Rainbow Room at the top of the RCA building in New York City, eight-six floors above the street, when one of them mentioned that the air currents were so strong at that altitude a man could jump off the roof and be blown back into the building, suffering no damage. The other couldnt believe that, so the first jumped out a window, flew around the building, and came back in. The second man, at that, tried it and immediately fell to his death. The bartender turned to the first man and said, Youre a mean drunk, Superman!
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Come over and help out. Ive got a jigsaw puzzle I cant figure out. According to the box, its a picture of a tiger. The boyfriend arrived, studied the pieces carefully for a while, then studied the box intently. After a while he said, Put the pieces back. This is a box of breakfast cereal.
On opening a new shop, a man received a bouquet of flowers with a note reading, Deepest Sympathy. While puzzling over this, the phone rang. It was the florist, who apologized for having sent the wrong card, to which the shopkeeper replied, Thats all right. I understand mistakes happen. But its not all right, said the florist. I sent your card to the new widow. It said, Congratulations on your new location!
Six guys were playing poker when Smith lost $500 on a single hand, clutched his heart, and dropped dead. The others discussed the best way to handle this, when Jones offered to tell the widow. Dont worry, he said, Ill be discreet. He went to the widows house and said to her, Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game. The woman was furious and yelled, Tell him to drop dead! To that, Jones replied, Ill tell him.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were playing golf one morning and were waiting for an especially slow foursome. Finally the greenskeeper came around and the priest asked why the group was so slow. The greenskeeper replied that they were a group of blind firefighters who had lost their sight saving the clubhouse, and out of gratitude the club allowed them to play free whenever they wanted. The priest said he would say a special prayer for them that night, the doctor mentioned that he had a friend who was an ophthalmologist and he would ask if help was available, and the engineer said, Why cant these guys play at night?
A lady was called for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didnt believe in capital punishment. The public defender explained, This is not a murder trial but a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the twelve thousand dollars they had saved to remodel the kitchen. Well, okay, agreed the lady, Ill serve. I guess capital punishment is all right after all!
A man went skydiving for the first time, and after five seconds in the air he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He started to panic, but remembered his backup chute and pulled that cord. Nothing happened. Suddenly, he looked down and saw a man going up! Just as the other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, Hey, do you know anything about skydiving? The other guy yelled back, Heck no! Do you know anything about lighting gas stoves?
A woman snuck off to visit a fortune teller, who told her, Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. The woman took a few deep breaths to compose herself and asked, Will I be acquitted?
A judge asked the defendant to please stand. You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw. From the gallery, a man shouted, Liar! Silence in the court! the judge yelled. He turned to the defendant and said, You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel. Tightwad! the same man in the gallery blurted out. I said quiet! yelled the judge. To the defendant, You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill. You jerk! the man from the gallery yelled. The judge thundered at the man in the galley, If you dont tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts, Ill hold you in contempt! The man answered back, Ive lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?
A blonde decided one day she was sick and tired of blonde jokes, so to show her husband that blondes can be smart she decided to paint a couple of rooms in the house. Her husband came home the next day and found her lying on the floor next to an open paint can. She was wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He revived her and asked, Why do you have a ski jacket and a fur coat on? Well, she answered, I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said for best results, put on two coats.
A man was out drinking with a friend when he suddenly lurched backward off his barstool, fell to the floor, and lay motionless. One thing about my buddy, here, the friend said proudly to the bartender, Nobody can say he doesnt know when to stop!
At a party, a middle-aged man was referring to his wife in terms such as my sweetheart, my darling, and the like, when another man came over and said he was impressed with this show of love from someone whod obviously been married a long time. Well, to tell you the truth, said the first man, for the last ten years I havent been able to remember her name!
Apologies to Native Americans for this one, but it doesn’t work otherwise:
It was the custom in a certain Indian reservation for families to be known by animal associations. The hippopotamus squaw was old with the children all gone, but the bear squaw and the elephant squaw each had one son left. One day the son of the bear squaw and the son of the elephant squaw got into a fight, and the hippopotamus squaw tried to stop it. After a while an elder of the tribe came along and broke the fight up, declaring the contest a draw. The moral of this story is that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, youll have lost at least five pounds. When the blonde returned, she’d lost nearly twenty pounds. Why, thats amazing! the doctor said. Did you follow my instructions? The blonde nodded. Ill tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. From hunger, you mean? No, from skipping.
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, Theres a way to make the car easier to sell, but its not legal. That doesn’t matter, replied the blonde, if only I can sell the car. Okay, said the brunette. Heres the address of a friend of mine who owns a garage. Tell him I sent you and hell turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldnt be a problem to sell your car. The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About a month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, Did you sell your car? No, replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.
A blonde went for a walk. She came to a river and saw another blonde on the opposite bank. Yoo-hoo she shouted, how can I get to the other side? The second blonde shouted back, You are on the other side.
Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks and the other said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang—but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. Oh my! the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. But what happened to your other ear? The jerk called back!
In medieval England, it was the custom for the heir to the throne to wear a fancy ruffled collar known as a ruff. One particular heir wore an exceptionally fancy ruff known as a dandy ruff, which blocked his vision so that he kept tripping and falling. This proves that dandy ruffs cause falling heirs.
The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit to check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post. Just how much are you being paid a week? said the owner angrily. Three hundred bucks, replied the young man. Taking out a wad of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boys hands, and said Heres a weeks pay now get out and dont come back! Turning to one of the supervisors, he said How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway? He doesnt work here, said the supervisor. He was just here to deliver a pizza!
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming. Finally, about three a.m., there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. Do you realize what time it is? she yelled. He answered, Dont get excited. Im late because I bought something for the house. Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, What did you buy for the house, dear? His answer was, A round of drinks!
A man was at the doctors and while there mentioned that he thought his wife was getting hard of hearing. Heres what to do, said the doctor. Call her name from across the room when shes not looking at you, then get closer and closer, calling her name, and let me know what happened. So the man waited until his wife was working in the kitchen and called Jane! from across the room. There was no response, so he moved in closer, calling Jane! each time. Finally he put his arms on her shoulders, and she turned around and said, What do you want? Ive answered you four times already!
A man is trapped on a raft with a pack of cigarettes but no matches, and is dying for a smoke. How does he solve the problem? He takes one cigarette out of the pack and throws it overboard, which makes the whole raft a cigarette lighter.
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, I like both. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume youre spending time with the other, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.
A wizard turned a frog into a beautiful young woman and took her out on a date. At the restaurant, the woman asked the waiter for a plate of dead flies.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, “I feel terrible Please examine me and tell me what’s wrong with me.” “Let’s begin with a few questions,” said the doctor, “Do you drink much?” “I’m a teetotaler. Never touch a drop.” “How about smoking?” asked the doctor. “Never,” replied the man “Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it.” “Well, uh,” asked the doctor, “do you have much sex life?” “Oh, no,” said the man. “Sex is sin. I’m in bed by ten-thirty every night.” The doctor paused and asked, “Well, do you have pains in your head?” “Yes,” said the man. “I have terrible pains in my head.” “That’s your trouble,” said the doctor. Your halo is on too tight.”
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author. “No,” his friend said, “it’s named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia.” “Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?” “A check.”
A blonde went to a job agency and got a job painting lines down the middle of the road. She took her paint can and brush and began painting lines down the road. The first day she painted five miles of roadway, the next day she painted three miles, and on the third day just one mile of roadway. On the fourth day, her boss asked why her work was deteriorating. “I’m sorry sir,” she replied, “but every day the paint can just keeps getting further and further away!”
Exhausted from driving, a traveling salesman pulled over to get some sleep. But the place he chose happened to be a street used heavily for jogging. The salesman had barely gotten comfortable when a jogger knocked on his window, asking, “Excuse me, but do you have the time?” The man looked at the clock and answered, “8:15.” The jogger said thanks and left. After a while there was another knock on the window and another jogger. “Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?” “8:25!”The jogger said thanks and left. The man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before he would be disturbed again, so he put a sign in the window saying, “I do not know the time!” Again he settled back to sleep, and was just dozing off when there was a knock on the window. “Sir? It’s 8:45!”
A couple wanted to adopt a baby and finally the adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they could enroll in night courses. After filling out the forms, the clerk asked, “Why do you want to study Russian?” The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We want to be able to understand him.”
An overweight man decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. Taking his new diet seriously, he even changed his route to avoid a bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. “This is a very special coffeecake,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there were so many goodies in the window I felt it was not an accident. I prayed, “Lord, if you want me to have one of those coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. Sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!”
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, “Now, boys, if I stood on my head would run into it, and I would turn red in the face. Why is it that while I am standing upright the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A student shouted, “Cause yer feet ain’t empty.”
A hospital director, an engineering company president, and a Microsoft executive were discussing which profession had to be the oldest. The hospital guy said that medicine was the oldest because God created Eve from Adam’s rib, a medical procedure. The engineer said that creating the Garden of Eden out of chaos was an engineering job. The Microsoft executive said, “Ah, but who created the chaos?”
A baby was born without a body, but when he was ten years old he heard about a new procedure in which an electrode was stuck in the brain and it would cause a body to grow. So the parents took the kid to the hospital, and sure enough, a few hours later, the kid grew a torso, legs, and arms. On the way out, he was so excited about his new body that he ran across the street and was hit by a truck and killed. The father turned to the mother and said, “He should have quit while he was a head!”
There were three finalists for a position as a CIA agent: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what they are. Inside this room is your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Go home.” The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, then screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. All was quiet after a few minutes. The door opened slowly and the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow, said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
Three old guys were walking down the street when one said, “Windy, isn’t it?” The second one said, “No, it’s Thursday!” The third one said, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer!”
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.” “Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”
An eighty-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to him and said, “You're really doing great, aren’t you?” The guy replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.’”
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms: honey, my love, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost seventy years. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.” The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about ten years ago.”
A small boy was sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later, “Da-ad....” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later, “Da-aaaad.....” “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??” “I told you NO!” If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later...... “Daaaa-aaaad.....” “WHAT!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
A man went into a gas station at the edge of town and asked the fastest way to get downtown. Are you driving or walking? asked the attendant. Driving. Thats the fastest way.
“I’m ashamed of you,” the mother said. “Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!” “He threw a rock at me!” the boy said. “So I threw one at him.” The mother stated emphatically, “When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me.” The boy quickly replied, “What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours.”
A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the man got up to leave. “S’cuse me,” said a customer who was puzzled over what the guy had done, “what was that all about?” “Nothing,” replied the man, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
After a college boy delivered a pizza to a local man’s home, the man asked, “What’s the usual tip?” “Well,” replied the youth, “This is my first trip out here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” snorted the man. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.” “Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.” “What are you studying?” asked the man. The lad smiled and said, “Applied psychology.”
A man took his pet canary to a vet, who proclaimed it dead. The man didn’t believe him, so the vet called his cat over. The cat sniffed at the bird and walked away, after which the vet’s dog, a black Labrador retriever, checked the bird out and showed no interest. Finally the man accepted the truth and asked how much he owed. “Two hundred dollars,” said the vet, “including the cat scan and the lab work.”
A man had great tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, another man came up and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. “No,” said the man, “the seat is empty.” “Incredible!” said the other man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this and not use it?” The first man replied, “The seat was for my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “I’m sorry to hear that. But couldn’t you have found someone else, a friend or relative, to go with you?" “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
A couple from Minneapolis decided to thaw out in Florida during one particularly
nasty winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon
twenty-some years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew down on Thursday,
with his wife flying in the following day. There was a computer in the husband’s
hotel room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally
left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent it.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.
He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart
attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and
friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into
the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and were celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They walked down the street to their old school and held hands as they found the old desk they’d shared and where he had carved, “I love you, Sally.” On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picked it up and they took it home. It was fifty thousand dollars. The husband said, “We’ve got to give it back,” but she said, “Finders keepers.” The next day, two FBI men were going door to door in the neighborhood looking for the money and came to their home, asking, “Did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” She said, “No,” but the husband said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She replied, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.” The agents began to question the old man, one saying, “Tell us the story from the beginning.” The old man replied, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...” The agent looked at his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
A Czechoslovakian hunter and his French partner were in the midst of a safari when they happened upon two hungry lions, a male and his mate. A furious battle ensued, in which the hunters were both killed and each lion ate a hunter. Far off atop a hill, a Shepard had witnessed the whole battle. He ran home, grabbed his rifle, and returned to slay both lions. After descending the hill, he first cut open the female lion and discovered the remains of the Frenchman inside. “That settles it,” said the shepard, “The Czech’s in the male.”
A hunter was traveling on his home when his car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but finally, frozen half to death, he reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. “Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk,” said the hospitable old man. “But I got no daughter or wife for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them jokes.” “Oh,” said the hunter, “How far is it to the next house?”
A woodsman who lived by himself heard a knock at the door of his cabin. He opened it to see a giant mosquito standing there. The bug was over six feet tall and grabbed the guy, beating the crap out of him and leaving him in a bloody heap on the floor. The guy managed to drag himself to the nearest emergency room where the doctor patched him up. The woodsman told about the giant mosquito and the doctor nodded his head like he knew all about the beast. The woodsman asked the doctor what he should do, and the doctor said, “You need to set up some high hurdles, a rope climb, and then lay a dozen or more tires across your front yard.” The woodsman looked bewildered and asked the doctor, “Why?” The doc replied, “With a nasty bug like that going around, you just have to let it run its course.”
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. “Becky my darling,” he whispered. “Hush my love,” she said. "Rest, don’t talk." He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I have something that I must confess.” “There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky, everything’s all right, go to sleep.” “No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!” “I know, my sweet one,” whispered Becky, “relax and let the poison work.”
A man found himself in a city where an old friend lived, and decided to call the person. After some conversation, the friend agreed to meet the man where he was, since as a resident he knew the city better. “Where are you now?” the friend asked. The man looked up and replied, “I’m on the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk!”
A husband and wife were sitting in the living room and the husband said, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” So the wife turned off the game and threw out the husband’s beer.
In medieval England a knight got lost in the fog in the middle of the night and finally came upon an inn called St. George and the Dragon. He pounded on the door, a window upstairs opened, and a lady yelled at the knight, “You have a lot of nerve disturbing us at this hour, we’re trying to sleep!” On and on she went, finally slamming the window shut. The knight banged on the door again and when the lady poked her head out he said, “Now may I speak to St. George?”
Please accept Atlantic Rim’s apologies from some of these jokes!